The dark clouds descended over Christmas and im having a hard time lifting them.
The thing that bothers me the most is that I feel guilty because I have saoirse,I feel like i am wasting a gift of GOD and that scares me i know I don't show it on the outside I play with her and enjoy every minute of her time.I look at her and feel like crying because at this age of course she will love me .What happens when she gets older and starts to see me getting shitty or depressed will she be ashamed of me see I should nt be thinking like this .
But because of my trials and tribulations through life .
I feel like i have to watch everything i think and feel if i show any signs of doubt will i be punished again.
But then again was i punished in the first place after all i had done nothing to get what happened to me yet i got it. So was it a punishment of what i was supposed to endure and come out the other side.
Because i came out fucked,Dont get me wrong i ve got some great gifts out of life but now especially at this time i just feel i cant even put it into words.
I know this i enjoy every day i get with saoirse and am scared that i will have to part with her soon because of immigration.
That is driving me crazy i ve got to go to airport soon and i have this thought that they will grab me while im there and say time to go and stay out .
i had a strange dream last night i think i was at an airport and next thing im getting stripped and having blood tests it was like getting put into jail but they never said anything and all i could think(in the dream) was that the last time i see my daughter.And my counceller said im not crazy lol.
The thing that bothers me the most is that I feel guilty because I have saoirse,I feel like i am wasting a gift of GOD and that scares me i know I don't show it on the outside I play with her and enjoy every minute of her time.I look at her and feel like crying because at this age of course she will love me .What happens when she gets older and starts to see me getting shitty or depressed will she be ashamed of me see I should nt be thinking like this .
But because of my trials and tribulations through life .
I feel like i have to watch everything i think and feel if i show any signs of doubt will i be punished again.
But then again was i punished in the first place after all i had done nothing to get what happened to me yet i got it. So was it a punishment of what i was supposed to endure and come out the other side.
Because i came out fucked,Dont get me wrong i ve got some great gifts out of life but now especially at this time i just feel i cant even put it into words.
I know this i enjoy every day i get with saoirse and am scared that i will have to part with her soon because of immigration.
That is driving me crazy i ve got to go to airport soon and i have this thought that they will grab me while im there and say time to go and stay out .
i had a strange dream last night i think i was at an airport and next thing im getting stripped and having blood tests it was like getting put into jail but they never said anything and all i could think(in the dream) was that the last time i see my daughter.And my counceller said im not crazy lol.
posted by William at 9:40 PM
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