Its amazing when the dark cloud decends
depressed again this fucking case is getting to me 7 months since i went before the medical board and a month since the sergent said he had made his decision .the police one is annoying because he has come to his concuision and it has to be passed of to whoever before i get it.But the medical board i was told a couple months and now its comming up to 7 i wonder are they taking there time because im not in the country or are they hoping that ill give up sometimes i do but then i just cant its so hard im happy most times ive got a family and everything i ve ever wanted .except peace of mind and the longer they take the worse i feel.how hard can it be if i win the decision with the medical board the dr will take it to the supreme court . but if he wins the lawyer acting for me on behalf of the medical board says that s it .i wonder how is that justice when he can go on but i cant . you know sometimes i wish i had nt relised i was abused and just still thought i was bi when i was a kid then at least id just self destruct with out knowing why .but to know and not self destruct now thats hard and gets harder if it was nt for emma and the kids id be a full on junkie at least i was numb when i used drugs but this way fuck the mind just goes over and over i ve been thinking about my trip to peterhead awhile ago to see my sister i hitched from london and as i was walking through aberdeen a cop car pulled me over and said that i fitted the description of someone who assulted someone in a pubfight i told them i had just arrived from australia i had a bit of a attitude but who would nt the description was a irishman with short hair and i was walking towards the pub where the fight was no away anyway they hancuffed me and took me to the cop shop and on the way the pig in the back kept starring at me and i said whats your problem he replied just making sure your ok so in the cop shop i have to empty my bag and i show my passport and still i have to go to the cells awaiting futher enquries so as we walk the cop who was staring said we are nt aussie cops here and i said i know at least they give you a kicking and off you go he knew i was inviting him but i guess he was a gutless wonder wish i remembered his name. in the cell i lost it had nt had sleep for a long time with the flight and all so i put my belt around my neck and started to hang myself but again the thought that god would kill me if he wanted me dead so i stopped i still have a sore throuth i dont know if i damaged it ive only told emma about this and now who ever reads so shhh. i got released after 4 hours and was totally lost the cops kept driving by every time they did(the same two) i would put my finger out to hitch but it was the birdy im spewing that he never stopped i had a lot of frustration and he would have been my punching bag. Bbut then again i d be in jail again and that would nt have acheived anything but i can still know i probably pissed him off that night .it made me laugh as i was hitching .