the priest comments this week got me thinking about religion its hits and miss's you see i was a atheist most of my life and before that i used to say things like if there's a god fuck and that kinda stuff.it was nt untill i relised that i was abused and was going through it alone that i relised that i was nt alone and never was i know that may sound crazy but i belive that someone was watching me guiding me cause when i thought back through my life i relised that one thing had kept me going faith.faith that ill get what i needed faith that id get love .and i got what i needed all my life i was given a lot to handle being left by my parents when i was 13.and when i was younger i used to be in hospital a lot and i spent it alone but i remember watching the rabbits and that gave me comfort.i was abused first when i was 8 it lasted to i was 12 .not your typical abuse it was kids a few years older but they took my innocence and i longed for that even today id loved to felt a first kiss without having to worry should i touch this girl i never did as i thought it was wrong but was it i was 13 going on 14 so are nt you supposed to thats what i did nt know,then i saw an attempted suicide at 13or 14 not to sure of the date. i went to england to be with my father and after 2 weeks he said that his new wife could nt handle me or my sister,so back to northern ireland and boy i went wild.next i went to australia and got abused by my first adult i was 15 that went on till i was 17 or 18 i know most people think how was it abuse at 15 your a adult but he was in a postion of authority then it was a girlfriend that attempted sucide on a regular basis when i wanted to leave her that lasted six months of me feeling like well its a hard thing to decribe its like your inside are turned inside out and its all your fault. next i went with a aborignal girl and experianced racism.mind you being irish you get to experiance that especially some english they dont care if your a protestant or a catholic your a mick.after that there where 7 years of drug abuse only pot and speed i never stole to get my drugs i always worked so did my girlfriend in that trime we had 3 miscarriges and the 3rd time she never got a dnc and her tubes got infected and she could nt have children,once i broke up with her for different reasons she wanted to keep on the drugs and i had enough. i went back home to find myself i found some parts but lost others i got into another relationship and that ended with my partner sliceing her arm with my razor as i sat there i watched her kids faces and that look was etched in my brain it also gave me a flashback and could see myself in same postion.after that i started on drugs again speed and pot i went out with a woman who gave me drugs then wanted to sleep with me i did but next day i told her i never wanted to see her she asked why i told her and she said it sounds like you were abused by the dr and that was it next couple months i went through my personal hell i could nt kill myself as i thought i did nt want anyone to blame themselfs for my death and thats what happens with suicide others are left wondering what they had to do with your death especcialy loved ones i lied under the gas heater and thought if god wants me dead he will blow the light out and ill die it never happened then i thought that my angel was there its hard to say but i just felt good even though i felt bad. one day i was outside and the sky was dark with rain clouds except a patch of blue above me it made me feel that god was wathing me i know that may sound crazy there was another thing i had been given a bird it was called physo it was a parrot and it did nt let anytouch it one day i was outside and it came over to the side of the cage i was standing near and then went to the bottom of the cage and got a feather and came back up and gave it to me i put my hand to the side of the cage and it dropped it in. there were other things and they just made me feel special i like to think the angel watching over me was my cousin who was killed when she was 6 by a car . so am i crazy i dont think so and it make s me feel good that god watchs me. and i know he watchs others we are given what we are able to cope with. so i think i can cope with a lot and music got me through it to the right songs at the right time im sure you have felt down and the right song comes along and you feel that bit better well ive had that all my life ill write songs that helped me throuh my life in up coming posts.