i said a couple posts ago about waiting i got a email from the cop who is investigating my case against another cop now police checking police that makes sensce.he told me it has been passed on to his inspector but he's off sick then it goes to the super then to ethecial standards then office of police interigurty the finally me he cant give me a time frame,it has opened me up again my mind has started what if this and what if that.Emma said to me the other day i have a lot of anger i said she should have seen me before i relised id been a victim of childhood sexual abuse,i had lots of anger then but did nt know why and used drink and drugs heaps and caused a lot of self harm.I' d go out and pick fights mostly with a couple of blokes so id get a hiding. I was punishing myself back then i did nt know why but after discovery it all made sensce.See one of the bad things about what happened to me was thinking i was gay i was nt attracted to men and did nt have fantasies but i knew i had been with a couple and thought i would again so thats why i punished myself to prove i was macho and could take a beating i can also give them out but most times i chose not to.the men i said i had been with where the ones who had abused me and i relised it was nt my choice after all .its funny i thought id hate gay men after what happened to me but i dont as they are usually honest its the married respectable ones you need to watch out for as the ones who abused me where married and had their own children strange why hurt another child when you have you own children.I was abused when i was 8 till about 11 in northern ireland but that was a different kind of abuse it was a girl who was a couple years older than me.My parents split up when i was 13 going on 14 my mum went to aus and my dad to england i went to australia when i was 15 and thats when i was abused by the men most people say but you where old enough but because of the circimstances i was left open to be prayed on ill go into that a bit later.