Got a call from mum today the det is supposed to call her sooon to ask her a couple of questions he is supposed to be wrapping things up thank fuck it been nearly a year. i also heard about my olderdaughter sam she has to move out of her home she has nt been paying rent her boyfriend is as usless as tits on a bull. he gambles drinks and drives with the kids in the car a couple of weeks ago he crashed it with one of the girls in the car she had to spend the night in the hospital and he is going to lose his licence again he only got it back a couple of months ago .she worries me she can do better but she puts up with him must be love or something like that.

Today the thoughts of depression surfaced again they are always there some times just under the surface sometimes the climb out.It's not like when i was single i used drugs to blank everything out now i have to face it.A Dr in aus wanted to give me tablets but i refused with my addiction problem i would just over use them as i have in the past . i used to take 10 Valium at a time and cyapax they would wipe the night out it was the same when i used to blast speed i loved the risk taking the injection. but having kids you cant take them risks . I rem one night lying in front of the gas heater and thinking if i blew out the pilot light and just turn it on I'd eventually fall asleep the another thought entered my mind if god wanted me dead he'd blow the light out for me.I had fought all my life to stay alive so why after all that would these stupid thoughtsa enter my mind. Depression its a bad thing and so hard to fight sometimes .Its a battle im going to have the rest of my life and my girls and liam are the ones who have to put up with it sometimes i wonder if i'd be better of alone i have always been that way and just go where ever i want but i cant see my self being away from the girls now.

Well I'm going to try something different now .When i got counselling for my abuse as a child the counselor told me to write mourning pages daily 3 pages if possible.So i need to do this again as so many thoughts go through my head.I keep thinking about my case if it every comes up do i go in person or video link .Why cant i let this go Emma thinks i hold onto it to much but i have fought tooth and nail to try and get justice so after putting in such an effort first med board said no case then police said the same but instead of giving up i kept at them first the medical board they did nt want to go ahead i had to go before a three member board and give my story it must have worked because next thing i get letter saying that they will proceed after all. Next was the police case the copper was a prick and i complained to the police ombudsman i had to go and see the they said because it was over a year that there was nothing they could do and i told them i had rang when it first happened with the det but no one got back to me so they looked into it then i get a letter that they had investigated and because i was over 16 that's why the police did nt go ahead.I had almost given up on the police case then i reread the email and saw the date they where talking about 1980 i write back and told them i was nt 16 till sept that year and she sent it back and said that they had looked at my birth date as 65 and never checked the actual date so it was sent to a inspector at rosebud police station and he got in contact with me and said he will investigate.I went back to Australia for my case with the medical board went and saw the barrister then the day i had waited for came.The first day i was in a room by myself mum and my sister had to sit outside separate because they were witness.The first day was arguing between the lawyers and i sat in the room it was adjourned for the day .Next day i went in and had to go to the toilet and who was there him i walked straight out resisting the urge to smash his head in but then that would have served no purpose.After sitting in the room i get called out and then it begins his lawyer starts questioning me she says that the reason that the med board had not gone ahead was because i said that he was nt circimstised and in a later statement said i think he was and that was because i had read his statement saying he was.I said i never saw his statement it was never passed on to me i saw the reaction on the boards face i had convinced them that i never saw it which i never maybe i was supposed to get a copy i don't know. then she said"is nt it true that i had put in a claim for criminal compo and that the police was nt intersted in my case.I replied that was nt true as i had got a call 2 days before my hearing that they are going ahead that made everyone look and his barrister said your honour we need to talk i was put back in the room after an hour i was asked the dets name and my lawyer called him to comfirm . I was then brought back to the hearing and told they cant proceed untill the police case was over in case the dr incrimated himself. I felt cheated but it is only on hold hopefully the police case will finish soon after all it has been a year how much longer can it take.