Today the thoughts of depression surfaced again they are always there some times just under the surface sometimes the climb out.It's not like when i was single i used drugs to blank everything out now i have to face it.A Dr in aus wanted to give me tablets but i refused with my addiction problem i would just over use them as i have in the past . i used to take 10 Valium at a time and cyapax they would wipe the night out it was the same when i used to blast speed i loved the risk taking the injection. but having kids you cant take them risks . I rem one night lying in front of the gas heater and thinking if i blew out the pilot light and just turn it on I'd eventually fall asleep the another thought entered my mind if god wanted me dead he'd blow the light out for me.I had fought all my life to stay alive so why after all that would these stupid thoughtsa enter my mind. Depression its a bad thing and so hard to fight sometimes .Its a battle im going to have the rest of my life and my girls and liam are the ones who have to put up with it sometimes i wonder if i'd be better of alone i have always been that way and just go where ever i want but i cant see my self being away from the girls now.