well i wrote a email to my lawyer who s at the medical board and he replied and said he's gonna see if he can get the deputy c.e.o of medical board to prod the panel for a decision after all 7 months has passed so now im waiting still but at least this way i feel that there's a bit of light .I dont know if it will go in my favor but it has to be better than not knowing anything all i want is my day in court and i could actually forgive the dr if he admitted his guilt . Everyone tell s me i would nt be his only victim . in ways i hope i am as i would nt want anyone else to have there life thrown around as mine has been. But then if im the only one does that mean i was the stupid one who he spotted so much goes through my brain if only this or that but it happened for a reason and i know in my heart it was nt my fault if only i could tell my brain that fact.I would love to walk away and enjoy my life but i just cant and i cant tell if ill ever be the same person i was before i relised i would nt want to be as i was a cunt of a bloke at times .but i was nt cold i can just shut out and nothing hurts me. I wonder if ill be a good dad to saoirse im great now but she relies on me what happens when she's older . i look at her every day and wonder how much i would have changed michaela's life had i been involved . i know now that ill never see her my names not on birth cert i dont know if her husband (i cant rem if she got married after the birth or what) put his name down if he did that means she will go through life never knowing the truth surly her mum would nt do that every day for last 22 years i have thought about her even if it was a second like now what would she think of me would she understand my reasons or just think i was a bastard and she would have every right i dont even know the right spelling of her mums married name to try and find her and would i have that right. who knows but one thing i do love her the last time i saw her she was 9 and i had to pretend to be a friend her mum said she would tell her but that never came .