NOVEMBER'S COMMING two things its saoirse's first birthday and it my 4 th month in canada only two more according to my visa .we are supposed to put the application for me to try and move here im just hoping that all the stuff i need arrives in time otherwise im in a quandry do i leave and come back when everythings here or do i stay and hope i dont get kicked out if i get kicked out it will be hard for me to get back . I' ll tell you this ive been through a lot of bad stuff in my life but nothing will compare to having to leave saoirse liam and taylor . liam and taylor are used to me going so they will get upset but they know ill be back but saoirse im with her everyday all day i put her to bed i just lie there and watch her fall asleep and enjoy every moment.so how can i go back to australia when im there i have panic attacks i suffer them here but i make myself go out and do things but back in australia i just hide i stay in my room and ask my family to do my shopping or anything .i dont know why its so bad there i just think that everyone knows that im fucked in the head (depressed) i know its not the case but melbs always been like that to me everytime i used to hitch as soon as i left the city of melbourne im like a different person im alone maybe thats it ive been alone for so long even when im near my family in aus im still alone i never let anyone inside i feel that its my defence keep people at a distance when i travel if people get to close i move on its so easy that way . i told a friend a lot about myself and now i cant be near him i feel that all he feels is pity i dont want pity all i want is understaning.but thats my cross i have to carry just need to share it . Every day it gets closer to time to make a choice and i dont want to make the wrong one.